Some Resistance

I’m not sure what I can bring to this moment, because I know why I didn’t go to university or into studying. Or perhaps I don’t know why I didn’t go, but I do know now what my job is: it’s to be an artist and to be a creator.

And so it’s quite difficult for me to be here now because I feel like we are in a university. I don’t know what I can bring here.

It’s quite difficult, but I feel there are several possibilities. One is to go out; one is to try to be fine and to search what I could say about this subject, about circus; and another, which is maybe what I have chosen now, is to try and understand why I have so much resistance inside, and why it’s not so comfortable to be here, and why it makes me so angry.

So I have chosen this.

I really don’t have judgement. I really try to not have judgement about others, and so in this position I really try to ask myself why I’m here and why something is not interesting for me.

I don’t care to see the difference between circus and dance – for me, really, I don’t care. Maybe it’s very interesting, and maybe one day I will read a book and think, ‘Wow, it’s so interesting’, but I think to be part of the conversation is not interesting for me.

Coming here I was not expecting anything; I was just very curious. But I know that my work is. My work is to search, to give, to eat, to eat with someone for a long time, which is like speaking, or to have an intellectual work that is alongside the physical.

I don’t know why the reaction is so strong for me now. At one moment I couldn’t follow everything because a part of me felt like, ‘Ugh, three days like that – I can’t imagine!’ So I have to say it.

I think for me adaptation is a big part of circus, and we have to adapt ourselves a lot.

We began the day talking about sensations – about contact with the body, what we feel, with listening to others – and for me it was circus in a way. I think now we are just in the head, and I’m sorry but for me we’re so far from the subject of circus and I cannot imagine three days like this.

I feel deeply there is something that I can’t explain and that I don’t want to explain. And it makes me irritable when I feel all this pressure to explain things. Maybe it’s interesting for me to look at this resistance in myself, but it’s very strong.